Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛