ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
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dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat