ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Go girl power!
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.