[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.