I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
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Don’t try to explain yourself to stupid people. You’re not the jackass whisperer.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
In Batman Begins, the scene when Bruce Wayne throws the gun into the river, if you listen you can hear someone say “you throw like a girl”.
my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook…
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.