britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
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Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*