Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*
*Creates a soulmate*
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
did…. my mom post something funny… on facebook..
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?