Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
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[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
the icebreaker
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.