@funflaps

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

You Might Also Like

@LetsGet9ined

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

@PwrFulWmn

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

@adult_mom

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

@Halbeerz

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

@squirrel74wkgn

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.