Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t

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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences


HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple


COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go


I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.


Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.


*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*


god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]


If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?