townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
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Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community