me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
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Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
live, laugh, laundry.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
it must be school picture day
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.