Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
This is the one
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*weighs self after shaving
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco