me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.