me: i want a gun

Chuck E Cheese employee: sir, this is a-

me: chuck e cheese, i know. but i have [lowering sunglasses] 100,000 tickets.

employee: [checks to make sure no one is looking] come with me

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mother: i hope i pass the bar exam


mother-in-law: i passed!


“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”


If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.


You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that


DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*


you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower