mother: i hope i pass the bar exam
mother-in-law: i passed!
me: i want a gun
Chuck E Cheese employee: sir, this is a-
me: chuck e cheese, i know. but i have [lowering sunglasses] 100,000 tickets.
employee: [checks to make sure no one is looking] come with me
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“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Anyone with a modern pc feels this pain
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower