@captainkalvis

me: i want a gun

Chuck E Cheese employee: sir, this is a-

me: chuck e cheese, i know. but i have [lowering sunglasses] 100,000 tickets.

employee: [checks to make sure no one is looking] come with me

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@KyleSmells

mother: i hope i pass the bar exam

[later]

mother-in-law: i passed!

@JimmerThatisAll

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

@Jarhead44

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

@weinerdog4life

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

@KimmyMonte

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower