ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

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I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters


Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…


This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.


It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️


Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.


My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.


*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*


Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are