I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
You Might Also Like
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.
My girlfriend’s furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she’d get over it since she’s not real.
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
english majors be like furthermore
How do I tell a man he loves me?