Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
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No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.