[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.