Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.