Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying