Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.