Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble