@SvnSxty

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

You Might Also Like

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

@skickwriter

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

@apok842

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

@simoncholland

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

@Sweet_Me_73

Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.

@samalmightysam

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

@Underchilde

What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.

@daemonic3

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*