Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

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Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”


[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*



You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.


Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.


Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so


Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.


1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.


What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.


[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*