Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Money is the root of all wealth
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption