@SvnSxty

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

You Might Also Like

@ohpeetie

No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.

@philyuck

The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car

@mindflakes

Nobody expects you to throw a typewriter at them, that’s what makes it such a fun surprise

@snarkweek7

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

@SladeWentworth

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

@Barknado69

Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?

Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

@withanewname

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change