No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
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My signature move is not caring which one yours is.
The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car
Nobody expects you to throw a typewriter at them, that’s what makes it such a fun surprise
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?
Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change