Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
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Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰