Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.