@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

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@NervousJr

Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@onlxn

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

@Angrea

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

@DannyMcH2O

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!

@Cheeseboy22

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.