Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

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Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.


Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.


Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it


Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.


INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?


Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.


My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!


Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.