Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
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My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
sry
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Great game to play with friends
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.