@ArfMeasures

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

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@khanyew3st

Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what’s wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love. ❤️❤️

@SortaSarcastic

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

@gerryhallcomedy

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

@Ygrene

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

@jonnysun

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

@MAB1013

There are two kinds of people in this world; those that roll up cracker/cereal bags inside the box to maintain freshness, and dipshits.

@juliussharpe

Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.

@ericsshadow

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

@ScorpionDong

I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering