Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.