@spikeWilton67

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

You Might Also Like

@jaggedape

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

@LaceyNycole

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

@Hobo_Splendido

[laundromat]

lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner

@tartadepollo

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

@t0shiba

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

@Pandamoanimum

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

@Book_Krazy

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently