Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
lady: you can’t do that
me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently