ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
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Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Life is a suicide mission.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?