me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

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I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724


My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.


Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.


My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?


me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer


My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.


Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”


I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.


Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.