Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.