Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
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Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”