Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
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“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.