Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
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I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…