Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
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Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Disliking the social justice crowd is to hating social justice as disliking the song “We Are the World” is to hating starving children.
I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
me: i’m terrified of socialism
therapist: thanks for sharing