@AshleyFrankly

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

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@KevinBuffalo

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

@DismalChips

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

@ShittingtonUK

Disliking the social justice crowd is to hating social justice as disliking the song “We Are the World” is to hating starving children.

@LCbasecamp

I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.

@junejuly12

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

@NicestHippo

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

@warne888

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

@gidget_76

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

@prufrockluvsong

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

@arcadeseals

me: i’m terrified of socialism

therapist: thanks for sharing

me: [screams]