@psybermonkey

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

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@egg_dog

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

@Grommit56

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

@PlainTravis

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

@funnyordie

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

@nevernicethings

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

@Ygrene

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

@Dave_in_SoPo

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.