Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather


Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.


I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.


Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.


Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.


[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla


Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.