Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
You Might Also Like
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
#MeanwhileInCanada
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button