@psybermonkey

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

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@shutupmikeginn

Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful

@dave_cactus

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

@behindyourback

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

@JayMindX

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

@PixieGreenEyes

Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?

@LukeErd

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

@ThingsDrakeDo

Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.

@dubstep4dads

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

@CanadianCyn

Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.

If my husband doesn’t give me a divorce as a gift I’m telling his girlfriend.