me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.