@stuckinaportal

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

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@djdarrellripley

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

@ozzie31220

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

@Brentweets

“Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”

@TheRobCee

“Hey, let’s make the inside of this building & every square inch of everyone & everything smell like THIS.”

-inventor of incense

@TraylorParker

My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it’s Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she’s going to end up being. Tulsa.

@underchilde

We appreciate the 3 billion guys that signed up for our sex study, but unfortunately we only need five.

@JohnLyonTweets

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

@HomeWithPeanut

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

@7_Cents

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

@AbbieEvansXO

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi