me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

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Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?


I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.


“Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”


“Hey, let’s make the inside of this building & every square inch of everyone & everything smell like THIS.”

-inventor of incense


My Sister is naming her baby Nevaeh because it’s Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she’s going to end up being. Tulsa.


We appreciate the 3 billion guys that signed up for our sex study, but unfortunately we only need five.


The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.


*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.


Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*


[when we’re a quarter of the way there]


Me: not yet Bon Jovi