Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
You Might Also Like
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.