Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
You Might Also Like
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Five Guys: that鈥檒l be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
It鈥檚 funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn鈥檛 make a sound, maybe that鈥檚 where your kid should be practicing the piano
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
The lion king: 馃幎it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Covid like
Go girl power!
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that鈥檚 wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can鈥檛 wait to hear them
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: Can I please be 7? It鈥檚 my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
These kids act like they鈥檝e never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Not even remotely sorry.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.