Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..

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Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect


Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.


I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.


date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this


I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”


Me: Girls’ night in!!!

Cat: I’m a cat.

Me: You’re my best friend.

Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.

Me: So it’s like a date?

Cat: Get help.


Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.