me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene