COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
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[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt