ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

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Before you and ya girl get married, ask her if she would leave you for Michael B. Jordan. If she says “no”, drop her cause ain’t no point in building a marriage based on lies


A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.


[first date]
ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them


How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet


Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!


At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.


I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.


I don’t know if anyone’s seen the renegade master, but apparently he’s back once again with the ill behaviour, which frankly, in this current climate, I find thoughtless at best.


My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.