Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
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Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice