@ArfMeasures

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

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@FunkyFresh_79

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

@lovejulieacafe

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

@HeyoShellz

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

@urmumsausername

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

@skittle624

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

@MavenofHonor

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

@BoogTweets

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

@itsfineimfinepd

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?