Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My therapist after every session
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
This 4th of July, please remember…
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license