girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
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me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
FRIEND: and this is my pug
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.