ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

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me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old


Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look


Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves


I’m done congratulating people for having babies. Parents have been getting praise for having sex incorrectly for way too long.


*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold


H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.


Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.


KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

M: I didn’t say when


(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?