ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

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girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts


me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this


FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”


Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.


*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.


I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.


“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*


You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.


All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.