ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
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Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.