@SondraDeeMe

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

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@jonnysun

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

@ClichedOut

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

@meganamram

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

@Sarcasticsapien

I’m done congratulating people for having babies. Parents have been getting praise for having sex incorrectly for way too long.

@SJSchauer

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

@MomOnFire

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

@AnkCoupleTO

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

@dumbbeezie

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?