ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
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Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
They also CAN sing✌️
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.