Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
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A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”