Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
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Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too