me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
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So sick of all these stupid rules
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed