Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

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I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.


[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t


The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …


5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.


Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”


*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*


I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat


me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings


My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.