*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* “I noticed there weren’t any black sheep. what’s up man. we gonna have a problem?”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me in quarantine vs the story imma tell my grandkids.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.