When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.
There’s no law that says you can’t use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch.
[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*