Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Woke up with morning Yule Log
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*