@T_Bonezzz_
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
@HatfieldAnne
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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@T_Bonezzz_
@DanSpenser
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
@Cheeseboy22
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
@Jaywoo74
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.
@rcromwell4
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
@TheWeirdWorld
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
@AristotlesNZ
Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.
@CelebrityChez
There’s no law that says you can’t use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch.
@bombsydoll
[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!
@ArfMeasures
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*