ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
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[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Perfect
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes