ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
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a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it