me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
You Might Also Like
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102